Sunday night. My Spanish friend and I are sitting in my living room and talking. The topic is relationships. My friend reveals a few interesting insights. For example, he claims that “girls are cool” it’s more men who are assholes.
– I help men you know… – I said.
– Yeah… whatever…
– Really. My ‘serious’ relationships were not easy, the last one ended up in disaster. So I had a choice to either become a man-hater or convert my pain into creativity. And here is what I do, I help men through my writing as I want them to understand women more.
I think he didn’t believe me but enjoyed the statement I made.
So we continued. The conversation diverted to girls whose fathers were not there for them…
– The girls with alcoholic fathers, no fathers, or fathers who left them… you can do everything you like with these girls… – he says…
My heart paused for a second. At least he was honest.
My father died when I was 4.5 years old and if I am honest I have probably never grieved because when you’re 4.5 and literally, see your dad dying, you cannot handle it on the level of consciousness. So you park the grieve away for an unlimited amount of time. Until it comes back to you in a form search for fathers in the men you meet. Each encounter is like a slap in your face because your partner isn’t supposed to be your parent.
Psychology claims that we tend to choose our partners who are similar to our parents. These are no doubts our first love. Whether is a healthy love or a toxic one, that’s a different story.
Most of my childhood girlfriends didn’t have physically or emotionally present fathers.
“I saw my father on the street one day, he didn’t even say ‘Hello’ – one of my closest friend’s said to me once. I’ll probably remember this sentence for the rest of my life. Because how the hell can you pretend that you don’t recognize your own daughter??
“East of Poland is a drunkyard” – my aunt recently said. I hope that she meant it was a while ago and the men of my age who are fathers now, do not drink like the generation of their fathers. Drinking alcohol still is a part of our culture though. By doing so people socialize and together forget the national neurosis caused by historical hardships. When people don’t get the support they need, they escape in all sorts of addictions. For many men in Eastern Europe, it was alcohol.
And what happens when an alcoholic man has children, precisely, daughters?
The girls grow up with low self-esteem and an urge to be constantly proving that they’re worth a man. Similarly to those women whose fathers ‘don’t recognize them on the street’ or live in the same house but are never really there.
You can do anything you like with these girls… but fortunately, not forever and not with all of them.
And here is my appeal. If you’re a father who has daughter, be there for her, so that she can have a healthy model of how she should be treated. If you’re a guy who attracted or liked a girl whom you could ‘do everything with’ think of your mother or sister and if you wanted them to be the ones that someone could ‘do everything they like with’.
And if you don’t have a sister or don’t know what to do with a girl, step out. One day your daughter could be that girl.